Fortnight

Day 14 and there have been some developments.  Well no, not developments, more like some lessons learned.  And there is a confession.  So here it is:

Friday was pretty easy (Day 11) I had planned a really long run for Saturday, and we went to dinner at a restaurant that does not serve alcohol for dinner and I was exhausted so I had dinner, packed my supplies for the long run and went to bed.  The cravings were there, but they were quieted by my desire to feel good for the run

Saturday after the run?  Well there was the voice, "you DESERVE a reward for running so far and sticking to your plan don't you Alicia?"  "You did all of your chores today in addition to running so far - you earned a treat didn't you?"  It was ridiculous, and I was all sorts of agreeing with the voice.  I had even decided that I really, really wanted a martini with lots of olives in it which was really weird because I have never in my years of drinking even thought about having a martini with lots of olives in it.  Never.  This seasoned drinker sticks to mimosas, Captain and diets with lemon, Stoli and cranberry no lime and in the winter...white russians.  Sweet drinks all the way baby!  So what up with the dirty martini craving?  Well, my theory is that my alcohol brain is trying to trick me somehow, Perhaps my alcohol brain thinks that I do not know that a martini is a 'drink'.  Perhaps alcohol brain thinks if it craves a drink in a smaller glass that I will run right out and get one.  Alcohol brain is getting desperate and uncomfortable, that is for sure.  But Boyfriend saved the day by suggesting that we go to dinner and a movie and what I did do was have a virgin pina colada, told myself that was a wonderful treat (which it was, the thing was delicious and brutally high in calories even without the rum).  We had steak, we watched an adorably funny movie and by the time we got home all I wanted was to go to sleep.  And so I did.

But Sunday came, I woke up so happy to feel good, went for a walk with friends, trained my clients and then BOOM - the voice came at me hard.  This time I fell down, this time I had a beer at my favorite sit-and-drink-by-the-river outdoor bar.  There was a good band and I had run far the day before, I had cleaned the apartment, I had run errands and life seemed to be in control.  So of course, why not have a drink, right?  I had a Blue Moon with a big ole' orange in it and I did not even feel bad.  But then I got the buzz, and this time instead of just kicking back and feeding that buzz I just felt bad.  Guilt, remorse, and self-loathing came back at me really hard.  It was horrible and it actually stopped me.  I switched to diet Pepsi and I watched kids play in the river and then I watched all of the people around me.  Older women dancing all sexy, like the real Rascal Flatts was actually right there playing (when really it was a fairly good cover band made up of pudgy middle aged men). Younger women adjusting their bikini tops without noticing they were flashing everyone while they did it.  So many people excitedly making plans that they were clearly too drunk to remember with people they clearly only sort of knew.  A woman saw another couples' puppy and staggered over to play with it without knowing them, the couple was also tipsy and in 45 seconds they were all hugging each other with the couple promising to provide the breeder's number.  I realized that none of these encounters meant anything, none of them will carry over into tomorrow.  Then I realized that the kids I had watched playing were now playing with a clam they had found in the river and a beer bottle they found somewhere, and that no one was stopping them.  These kids were with someone at this bar, but I had no idea who because in 2 hours, not one soul checked on them.  The whole scene bugged me.

I now have a clear view of what I want, I want to be sober.

I want to be sober, I want to be real.  I honestly do not know what that means yet but I desperately want to find out.  So I am going to accept yesterday's choice to drink a beer and I am going to keep moving forward.  I am still calling today Day 14 because after yesterday I want my little car (thanks Belle) to keep rolling down the hill.  I messed up, but it was more of a speed bump than a brick wall.  Agree with me or don't, but I intend to keep going forward because I woke up today feeling good.  No hangover and I will wake up with the same beautiful feeling tomorrow - c'mon Day 15!!  :)