Recovered a bit of dignity....

Yesterday after work I popped into my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment and recovered my debit card.  I walked up to the same bartender I had in essence 'stiffed' during my bender on Sunday and he did not even bat an eye.  When I asked if I had perhaps left my card at his fine establishment he just said, 'let me check the wall' and there behind him was a small collection of forgotten cards and unsigned tabs.  I was one who had left my card and not signed for my tab, basically I had just gotten up and gone home.  Nice, huh?

But here is the thing, apparently this happens all the time at my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment.  "People always come back for their cards." he said.  Here I had been so embarrassed,  feeling like the worst human on the planet, and they did not even care.  And therein lies the problem for me;  I have been frequenting this bar (and others before it) because it is a safe place for a drunk like myself.  I am not the only one staggering out of the place completely potted with an open tab and forgotten personal items left in my wake.  If I acted in such a manner anywhere else I would be on a 'do not serve' list, right?  If I drive off from the gas station having forgotten to pay for my gasoline a police officer would come to my door to escort me back.  If my non-problem-drinking friends heard the story, they would worry about me.

I am tired of hiding from everyone.  No one in my life has the whole story, everyone gets bits and pieces of my doings and thoughts.  Why?  Because I am so afraid that if any of them find out who I really am, they will be disgusted, alarmed, angry, etc.  This sort of life is exhausting.  I am a walking classified document, I black out the classified information before I show myself and I am so, so tired of fearing that I will miss a line.

The lines I have to black out and disappear are almost always the drunkety parts.  I wonder if I have been fooling anyone?  Well there is a question for another day.  Today the only question is:  will I be drinking?  And the answer is "NO."

Thank goodness it is not yesterday.

Today is so much better.  I am not 100%, but the hangover is gone.  I got out of bed and went to workout and everything. (throw me a parade, right?) Yesterday was pure misery, I truly do not know how I have been doing this for all of these years.  It is amazing how after just 20 days of hangover free wake-ups what used to be barely notable to me was pure illness.  I think I am more devoted to quitting than ever.  I sure hope I am, I like waking up feeling good and I am lucky that after all I have put my body through that I still can...

Scuffed and bruised

So I totally flung myself off of the wagon last night.  Hurled myself off the damn thing and wow do I hurt today.  Twenty days waking up without a hangover really highlights how horrible it is to feel this way.  I am nauseous, I cannot think straight, I am exhausted and I feel like a complete asshole.  In addition I have no idea how much $ I spent and I am missing my debit card.  I am sure it is at my favorite drink-by-the-river bar, and I know it is safe there and I look forward to popping in with my tail between my legs to pick it up.  Shit, I am not even sure if I signed for my tab.  God I hate myself right now. F'ing drunk.

I am training for a 50 mile race and I have been feeling so, so good.  WHY DID I LOSE IT YESTERDAY?  I really have to wonder WHY?  Self sabotage?  Am I really a slave to my addiction.  Maybe I do need to go to AA and give myself over to a higher power and admit I am 'powerless' over my addiction....

No way, no how.  Not happening.  I am not helpless, powerless, enslaved.  This is a monumental problem of my very own creation and if I can create it then I can un-create it.   So I will not drink today.  I will not.  And I will write a little something in here every day and I will not give up.  I quit.  I quit.  I f'ing quit.

The Ides of July

Here I am in the middle of my 30 days - Day 15 - and I feel really good.  No troubles staying out of trouble last night and this morning I got out of bed a little bit easier than I have in a long time.  I only hit snooze once and Boyfriend only had to talk to me once.  (Normally waking me is a ridiculous procedure involving flashing the lights in the room, turning up the volume on the radio, telling me to get up 3 or 4 times and suffering through my alarm going off every 9 minutes for 27 minutes.  It is a wonder Boyfriend has not just thrown a pot of water over my head like my dad did in 1986.)

But today I got up and got dressed and was even civil.  Someone give this girl a gold star!   <insert eye roll here>  Someday I hope to be able to wake up and get going like a grown up, I tell myself every day that I am not hung over (15 mornings in a row lately!) that it will get a little easier every day and so it shall!

Day 17

 I am truly amazed that I have gotten this far, and this fact has actually begun to hold weight for me with my nightly drink-or-don't internal dialogue.  It really does, because every stinking night I have to have this stupid debate with the voices in my head:  "Should we just have a couple?  We've been so good for like a million days IN A ROW - we totally DESERVE a couple, right?!"  And every night I have to ignore their weirdly enticing argument.  They don't even whisper at me in the morning, I don't  really hear boo from them until between 4 and 5 pm ... and then suddenly they cannot shut-up.  But now I can say, "we are past halfway through 30 days, it would be stupid to give up now because if I give in now, we will just have to start all over again in another 6 weeks or a month or whatever."  Because I will keep trying.  I have to keep trying to quit until it works because I do not want my funeral to be populated by my sad and angry daughter, a couple of friends who did not realize that I was 'that bad' and some drunks telling stellar drinking stories about me.  "The bar won't be the same without her." they'll cry, and then in a week I will be forgotten.  Because drunks like to drink with other drunks and I cannot drink if I am dead.

So here I am, at the beginning of today's argument between the voices and my desire to be sober.   I have to tell you that I am sick of this whole thing, but I also know that if I just say 'f'ck it - I'm drinking!' that I will feel like a piece of poop.  I am too far in to give up now and that helps me keep saying no....then....Phew!

And let me also say that the pipe dream of losing weight by not drinking is a total bust.  At least it is a bust as of this moment because my sweet tooth is raging now that there is no liquid sugar in the mix. Chocolate?  Yes please.  Belvita breakfast crackers all day?  Yes please.  Ice cream?  Yes please.  It is delightful to be eating like an Oompa-Loompa, just spectacular.   <eye roll here>

Speaking of Oompa-Loompas  - I have officially removed myself from my beloved country's presidential election until September.  All that happens now when I watch the coverage is that I get a huge surge of anxiety and disgust, then I start raging at the media for spotlighting an orange lunatic right into legitimate candidacy.  I fell my blood pressure going up as I type for heaven's sake.....so yeah, taking a BS break from the election.  

Have a good evening all, I shall see you on Day 18!

Fortnight

Day 14 and there have been some developments.  Well no, not developments, more like some lessons learned.  And there is a confession.  So here it is:

Friday was pretty easy (Day 11) I had planned a really long run for Saturday, and we went to dinner at a restaurant that does not serve alcohol for dinner and I was exhausted so I had dinner, packed my supplies for the long run and went to bed.  The cravings were there, but they were quieted by my desire to feel good for the run

Saturday after the run?  Well there was the voice, "you DESERVE a reward for running so far and sticking to your plan don't you Alicia?"  "You did all of your chores today in addition to running so far - you earned a treat didn't you?"  It was ridiculous, and I was all sorts of agreeing with the voice.  I had even decided that I really, really wanted a martini with lots of olives in it which was really weird because I have never in my years of drinking even thought about having a martini with lots of olives in it.  Never.  This seasoned drinker sticks to mimosas, Captain and diets with lemon, Stoli and cranberry no lime and in the winter...white russians.  Sweet drinks all the way baby!  So what up with the dirty martini craving?  Well, my theory is that my alcohol brain is trying to trick me somehow, Perhaps my alcohol brain thinks that I do not know that a martini is a 'drink'.  Perhaps alcohol brain thinks if it craves a drink in a smaller glass that I will run right out and get one.  Alcohol brain is getting desperate and uncomfortable, that is for sure.  But Boyfriend saved the day by suggesting that we go to dinner and a movie and what I did do was have a virgin pina colada, told myself that was a wonderful treat (which it was, the thing was delicious and brutally high in calories even without the rum).  We had steak, we watched an adorably funny movie and by the time we got home all I wanted was to go to sleep.  And so I did.

But Sunday came, I woke up so happy to feel good, went for a walk with friends, trained my clients and then BOOM - the voice came at me hard.  This time I fell down, this time I had a beer at my favorite sit-and-drink-by-the-river outdoor bar.  There was a good band and I had run far the day before, I had cleaned the apartment, I had run errands and life seemed to be in control.  So of course, why not have a drink, right?  I had a Blue Moon with a big ole' orange in it and I did not even feel bad.  But then I got the buzz, and this time instead of just kicking back and feeding that buzz I just felt bad.  Guilt, remorse, and self-loathing came back at me really hard.  It was horrible and it actually stopped me.  I switched to diet Pepsi and I watched kids play in the river and then I watched all of the people around me.  Older women dancing all sexy, like the real Rascal Flatts was actually right there playing (when really it was a fairly good cover band made up of pudgy middle aged men). Younger women adjusting their bikini tops without noticing they were flashing everyone while they did it.  So many people excitedly making plans that they were clearly too drunk to remember with people they clearly only sort of knew.  A woman saw another couples' puppy and staggered over to play with it without knowing them, the couple was also tipsy and in 45 seconds they were all hugging each other with the couple promising to provide the breeder's number.  I realized that none of these encounters meant anything, none of them will carry over into tomorrow.  Then I realized that the kids I had watched playing were now playing with a clam they had found in the river and a beer bottle they found somewhere, and that no one was stopping them.  These kids were with someone at this bar, but I had no idea who because in 2 hours, not one soul checked on them.  The whole scene bugged me.

I now have a clear view of what I want, I want to be sober.

I want to be sober, I want to be real.  I honestly do not know what that means yet but I desperately want to find out.  So I am going to accept yesterday's choice to drink a beer and I am going to keep moving forward.  I am still calling today Day 14 because after yesterday I want my little car (thanks Belle) to keep rolling down the hill.  I messed up, but it was more of a speed bump than a brick wall.  Agree with me or don't, but I intend to keep going forward because I woke up today feeling good.  No hangover and I will wake up with the same beautiful feeling tomorrow - c'mon Day 15!!  :)

TEN! 10! X! Diez!

Welcome to my Day 10.  So far it has started much like the last 9 days - I am all assured of my decision, feeling bulletproof, thoroughly enjoying the hangover free mornings.  But later this afternoon it will bite back. I will drive home after work, right past my favorite sit-outside-by-the-river-and-drink bar and I will get nearly irate because I am not 'allowed' to sit by the river and drink. The sensation of discomfort, and wanting and displeasure because I cannot have it is overwhelming.  Why is it so very difficult to shut up the voices and still the inner turmoil?  Rational brain can explain why sober is better until it is hoarse from talking, but alcohol brain just wants and wants and wants and wants.

I want to not want it so badly.

The good news is that today I have my workout stuff.  This means I can go straight from work to the gym and so I shall not need to drive by the sit-outside-by-the-river-and-drink bar at all.  Yeay!!  Since going dry, I have had a horrible time getting out of bed in the mornings and there have been too many days with no exercise.  So today, I will try hitting the gym right after work.  This could end up being a big help, as it would seem that once I get home and eat, I no longer need/want/obsess about the drink so much.

Fingers crossed!!  Good luck to anyone else in the fight.  :)

Unchartered waters

Just double checked and here I am at Day 9, a place I have definitely not been to in 19 years and at least 3 months.  It is odd to think about it, and disturbing to think how casually I make that statement. To my mind, it sounds like going 9 days without drinking one time in 19 years is a huge accomplishment of some sort.  It certainly seems akin to climbing a mountain.  The hard truth is that for me (and many others like me) it really is a big hairy deal.  What is difficult for me to accept and embrace is that in order to change this one behavior, repair this one chip in my teacup - I am having to funnel about 85% of my mental resources to the project.  I cannot believe how much energy this has taken!  And so I keep reading ahead in others' recovery blogs hoping to find proof that this will one day be less of an energy drain.

In addition I continue to remind myself that I quit smoking 10 years ago.  That was ridiculously hard, probably harder than this, but I did it.  And I never look back anymore, I don't miss the smokes - when I see a box of the brand I used to smoke there is no desire to pick them back up.  So it can be done.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....

I also imagine my bloated, exhausted, overworked liver working overtime to fix itself.  Mr. Liver has not had this much time to make repairs in decades.  I would imagine around Day 4 he sent out patrols to make sure the rest of the body was still up and running.  "Did she finally kick?",  "Are we brain dead?", "Are we lost at sea on a booze free inner tube?"  he would ask.  Once assured that the whole operation is still running, he probably began clean-up in earnest.  And who am I to screw up all of that hard work?  Who am I to interfere with healing?  If Mr. L is willing to attempt to fix the mess I have made of him then I owe it to him to stay out of the way!

On to Day 10.  TEN!  Double Digits!!

Day 8

Here I am at Day 8.  I would love to say that this has been easy and I am fast and sure in my decision to dry out and that I am looking just soooo..... much better.  But none of that would be true.  I am not mad though, I am a little bit proud.  I made it through a trip to Summerfest and an entire concert that I did not really enjoy, I made it through a BBQ where everyone else had a cocktail (although nobody was drunkety-drunk-drunk) and I went to watch fireworks on July 3rd and no alcohol.  I realize that that last one probably sounds like it should have been easy, but I cannot remember sober fireworks, EVER.  I would imagine the last time that happened I was 16 years old.  So 30 years ago.  Wow.

Well they were lovely, and although I thought I was going to come out of my skin while we walked to our viewing area and for the entire hour we were there waiting for the show to begin, I did not get a cocktail.  And I could have bought beer ACROSS THE STREET.....so yes, I thought about all of the options.  I wanted and I pined and puled and expressed irritability with everything from our spot, to the kids behind us to the chilly temperature.  Really I was just mad because I had to sit there with no booze.  Which is sad, because the show was beautiful, the other people were funny and summery and my boyfriend was doing his very best to be supportive even though I know he wanted a cocktail too.

But it is over, and I woke up on July 4th feeling clear and good and not hungover and I was truly grateful for that.  I went for a long walk with a friend followed by a long run with my MP3 and it was warm and green and lovely.  On to Day 9.

I think I'm gonna' need a bigger boat.....

Days I have lived with an alcohol addiction problem:  somewhere around 10,666 (which is more than 29 years)
Attempts to quit:  at least 20 serious attempts, all solo, all failed
Longest stretch without drinking since I was pregnant 19 years ago:  7 days
Blackouts:  so, so many
Crippling hangovers:  even more than the blackouts
Car Accidents:  1 (the tree won, thank goodness it was just a tree)
# of times finding out when/where AA meetings are:  10
# of times attending an AA meeting:  0

My rap sheet goes on and on, and yet it is really only in the last couple of years that I have begun to sense the precariousness of my position.  I am now a middle aged woman with a solid but mediocre job, very little saved for my future, very little to call my own (except for a mountain of debt), a boyfriend who lets me get away with awful behavior and a two adorable dogs.  Most importantly, I have a wonderful adult daughter who still loves me in spite of everything.

Oddly, through all of this I am a distance runner.  Weird, yeah?

I have to change, I have to stop drinking and it has to be now and so here I am on day 4 of not drinking.  I have found a blog that has given me hope and right out of the gate I want to thank Belle of tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com .   She has been a huge help to me, I have been binge reading her blog posts from when she quit drinking and will keep looking for other bloggers that speak to me about finding and keeping sobriety.

So far it has been mind blowing to realize how much time I have spent in the last four days simply mulling over this topic.  I am all resolve for a couple of hours and then halfway though my 15 minute commute home I am contemplating having 'just 1'.  Idiotic as I cannot remember the last time I had just 1 drink at a time.  I cannot remember the last time I planned any sort of activity without giving thorough consideration to when and how I could fit in drinking time.  I plan my running schedule around my nights out.  I decide who I will spend time with based on how intoxicated I feel I can be around them.  I tend to only go places I know will have alcoholic beverages (Will there be beer at the zoo?) Last weekend I found myself looking for receipts in my purse/pockets/car because I had no idea how much money I had spent the night before - or where I had spent it.  That was not the first time and even when I found the stupid receipts I had to wait for the charge to clear my bank account so that I could figure out what I tipped the bartender.  (BTW I am ridiculously generous when I am tanked, which explains the big smiles I get when I return to the bar days later just SURE no one remembers me.)

While drunk I have sprained my ankle, chipped a bone in my other ankle, exploded a bursa in my knee, fallen in a stone bathtub and hit my head and have had more "mystery bruises" than I can count. Honestly, I rarely if ever know where any of my bruises come from.  My last car was also extremely bruised; 3 dents in the front end from whacking the frame of my garage door on my way out, a dent on the hood because I did not have it backed in far enough one night and the garage door came down on it, and unspeakable internal injuries to the motor from the pathetic battle with the felled tree minding its own business on the side of the road (where my poor car should not have been).

Fuck yeah I have to stop drinking.  Duh.  I have never itemized the above list before and it would seem that the question of  'Do I need to quit?' requires as much thought as 'Do I need to breathe?'

The answer to both questions is a resounding YES!  so here we go....Yeay day 4!!