Day 17

 I am truly amazed that I have gotten this far, and this fact has actually begun to hold weight for me with my nightly drink-or-don't internal dialogue.  It really does, because every stinking night I have to have this stupid debate with the voices in my head:  "Should we just have a couple?  We've been so good for like a million days IN A ROW - we totally DESERVE a couple, right?!"  And every night I have to ignore their weirdly enticing argument.  They don't even whisper at me in the morning, I don't  really hear boo from them until between 4 and 5 pm ... and then suddenly they cannot shut-up.  But now I can say, "we are past halfway through 30 days, it would be stupid to give up now because if I give in now, we will just have to start all over again in another 6 weeks or a month or whatever."  Because I will keep trying.  I have to keep trying to quit until it works because I do not want my funeral to be populated by my sad and angry daughter, a couple of friends who did not realize that I was 'that bad' and some drunks telling stellar drinking stories about me.  "The bar won't be the same without her." they'll cry, and then in a week I will be forgotten.  Because drunks like to drink with other drunks and I cannot drink if I am dead.

So here I am, at the beginning of today's argument between the voices and my desire to be sober.   I have to tell you that I am sick of this whole thing, but I also know that if I just say 'f'ck it - I'm drinking!' that I will feel like a piece of poop.  I am too far in to give up now and that helps me keep saying no....then....Phew!

And let me also say that the pipe dream of losing weight by not drinking is a total bust.  At least it is a bust as of this moment because my sweet tooth is raging now that there is no liquid sugar in the mix. Chocolate?  Yes please.  Belvita breakfast crackers all day?  Yes please.  Ice cream?  Yes please.  It is delightful to be eating like an Oompa-Loompa, just spectacular.   <eye roll here>

Speaking of Oompa-Loompas  - I have officially removed myself from my beloved country's presidential election until September.  All that happens now when I watch the coverage is that I get a huge surge of anxiety and disgust, then I start raging at the media for spotlighting an orange lunatic right into legitimate candidacy.  I fell my blood pressure going up as I type for heaven's sake.....so yeah, taking a BS break from the election.  

Have a good evening all, I shall see you on Day 18!