So I totally flung myself off of the wagon last night. Hurled myself off the damn thing and wow do I hurt today. Twenty days waking up without a hangover really highlights how horrible it is to feel this way. I am nauseous, I cannot think straight, I am exhausted and I feel like a complete asshole. In addition I have no idea how much $ I spent and I am missing my debit card. I am sure it is at my favorite drink-by-the-river bar, and I know it is safe there and I look forward to popping in with my tail between my legs to pick it up. Shit, I am not even sure if I signed for my tab. God I hate myself right now. F'ing drunk.
I am training for a 50 mile race and I have been feeling so, so good. WHY DID I LOSE IT YESTERDAY? I really have to wonder WHY? Self sabotage? Am I really a slave to my addiction. Maybe I do need to go to AA and give myself over to a higher power and admit I am 'powerless' over my addiction....
No way, no how. Not happening. I am not helpless, powerless, enslaved. This is a monumental problem of my very own creation and if I can create it then I can un-create it. So I will not drink today. I will not. And I will write a little something in here every day and I will not give up. I quit. I quit. I f'ing quit.
No comments:
Post a Comment