Recovered a bit of dignity....

Yesterday after work I popped into my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment and recovered my debit card.  I walked up to the same bartender I had in essence 'stiffed' during my bender on Sunday and he did not even bat an eye.  When I asked if I had perhaps left my card at his fine establishment he just said, 'let me check the wall' and there behind him was a small collection of forgotten cards and unsigned tabs.  I was one who had left my card and not signed for my tab, basically I had just gotten up and gone home.  Nice, huh?

But here is the thing, apparently this happens all the time at my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment.  "People always come back for their cards." he said.  Here I had been so embarrassed,  feeling like the worst human on the planet, and they did not even care.  And therein lies the problem for me;  I have been frequenting this bar (and others before it) because it is a safe place for a drunk like myself.  I am not the only one staggering out of the place completely potted with an open tab and forgotten personal items left in my wake.  If I acted in such a manner anywhere else I would be on a 'do not serve' list, right?  If I drive off from the gas station having forgotten to pay for my gasoline a police officer would come to my door to escort me back.  If my non-problem-drinking friends heard the story, they would worry about me.

I am tired of hiding from everyone.  No one in my life has the whole story, everyone gets bits and pieces of my doings and thoughts.  Why?  Because I am so afraid that if any of them find out who I really am, they will be disgusted, alarmed, angry, etc.  This sort of life is exhausting.  I am a walking classified document, I black out the classified information before I show myself and I am so, so tired of fearing that I will miss a line.

The lines I have to black out and disappear are almost always the drunkety parts.  I wonder if I have been fooling anyone?  Well there is a question for another day.  Today the only question is:  will I be drinking?  And the answer is "NO."