If at first you do not succeed, try, try again. And again. And again. And again. I hate alcohol, I really do.
Anyway, here I go. This time I signed up for the 100 Day Challenge (thanks again to Belle at TiredofThinkingAboutDrinking.com). This time I am listening to PodCasts and this time I am reading the comments of others as they pick their Day 1 too. And I am not the only one starting over, which is heartening.
Also, a person close to me was in a motorcycle accident on the way to work this morning, and he is more ok than I would have hoped. And that makes me really grateful. And so today's sobriety is to celebrate this latest turn, a broken wrist is nothing compared to what could have been. We are lucky to be here, and I would like to actually be here, rather than wherever I go when Captain Morgan is driving my little ship.
The Cap'n is not my friend, the Cap'n doesn't care about me - he is the worst boyfriend I have ever had. (And I've had some doozies.)
So hello from day 2, already doing better than I was on day 1 - see how quickly that momentum builds? I am rooting for all of us out there fighting off our own worst enemies. We got this. :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Recovered a bit of dignity....
Yesterday after work I popped into my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment and recovered my debit card. I walked up to the same bartender I had in essence 'stiffed' during my bender on Sunday and he did not even bat an eye. When I asked if I had perhaps left my card at his fine establishment he just said, 'let me check the wall' and there behind him was a small collection of forgotten cards and unsigned tabs. I was one who had left my card and not signed for my tab, basically I had just gotten up and gone home. Nice, huh?
But here is the thing, apparently this happens all the time at my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment. "People always come back for their cards." he said. Here I had been so embarrassed, feeling like the worst human on the planet, and they did not even care. And therein lies the problem for me; I have been frequenting this bar (and others before it) because it is a safe place for a drunk like myself. I am not the only one staggering out of the place completely potted with an open tab and forgotten personal items left in my wake. If I acted in such a manner anywhere else I would be on a 'do not serve' list, right? If I drive off from the gas station having forgotten to pay for my gasoline a police officer would come to my door to escort me back. If my non-problem-drinking friends heard the story, they would worry about me.
I am tired of hiding from everyone. No one in my life has the whole story, everyone gets bits and pieces of my doings and thoughts. Why? Because I am so afraid that if any of them find out who I really am, they will be disgusted, alarmed, angry, etc. This sort of life is exhausting. I am a walking classified document, I black out the classified information before I show myself and I am so, so tired of fearing that I will miss a line.
The lines I have to black out and disappear are almost always the drunkety parts. I wonder if I have been fooling anyone? Well there is a question for another day. Today the only question is: will I be drinking? And the answer is "NO."
But here is the thing, apparently this happens all the time at my favorite drink-by-the-river establishment. "People always come back for their cards." he said. Here I had been so embarrassed, feeling like the worst human on the planet, and they did not even care. And therein lies the problem for me; I have been frequenting this bar (and others before it) because it is a safe place for a drunk like myself. I am not the only one staggering out of the place completely potted with an open tab and forgotten personal items left in my wake. If I acted in such a manner anywhere else I would be on a 'do not serve' list, right? If I drive off from the gas station having forgotten to pay for my gasoline a police officer would come to my door to escort me back. If my non-problem-drinking friends heard the story, they would worry about me.
I am tired of hiding from everyone. No one in my life has the whole story, everyone gets bits and pieces of my doings and thoughts. Why? Because I am so afraid that if any of them find out who I really am, they will be disgusted, alarmed, angry, etc. This sort of life is exhausting. I am a walking classified document, I black out the classified information before I show myself and I am so, so tired of fearing that I will miss a line.
The lines I have to black out and disappear are almost always the drunkety parts. I wonder if I have been fooling anyone? Well there is a question for another day. Today the only question is: will I be drinking? And the answer is "NO."
Thank goodness it is not yesterday.
Today is so much better. I am not 100%, but the hangover is gone. I got out of bed and went to workout and everything. (throw me a parade, right?) Yesterday was pure misery, I truly do not know how I have been doing this for all of these years. It is amazing how after just 20 days of hangover free wake-ups what used to be barely notable to me was pure illness. I think I am more devoted to quitting than ever. I sure hope I am, I like waking up feeling good and I am lucky that after all I have put my body through that I still can...
Monday, July 18, 2016
Scuffed and bruised
So I totally flung myself off of the wagon last night. Hurled myself off the damn thing and wow do I hurt today. Twenty days waking up without a hangover really highlights how horrible it is to feel this way. I am nauseous, I cannot think straight, I am exhausted and I feel like a complete asshole. In addition I have no idea how much $ I spent and I am missing my debit card. I am sure it is at my favorite drink-by-the-river bar, and I know it is safe there and I look forward to popping in with my tail between my legs to pick it up. Shit, I am not even sure if I signed for my tab. God I hate myself right now. F'ing drunk.
I am training for a 50 mile race and I have been feeling so, so good. WHY DID I LOSE IT YESTERDAY? I really have to wonder WHY? Self sabotage? Am I really a slave to my addiction. Maybe I do need to go to AA and give myself over to a higher power and admit I am 'powerless' over my addiction....
No way, no how. Not happening. I am not helpless, powerless, enslaved. This is a monumental problem of my very own creation and if I can create it then I can un-create it. So I will not drink today. I will not. And I will write a little something in here every day and I will not give up. I quit. I quit. I f'ing quit.
I am training for a 50 mile race and I have been feeling so, so good. WHY DID I LOSE IT YESTERDAY? I really have to wonder WHY? Self sabotage? Am I really a slave to my addiction. Maybe I do need to go to AA and give myself over to a higher power and admit I am 'powerless' over my addiction....
No way, no how. Not happening. I am not helpless, powerless, enslaved. This is a monumental problem of my very own creation and if I can create it then I can un-create it. So I will not drink today. I will not. And I will write a little something in here every day and I will not give up. I quit. I quit. I f'ing quit.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
The Ides of July
Here I am in the middle of my 30 days - Day 15 - and I feel really good. No troubles staying out of trouble last night and this morning I got out of bed a little bit easier than I have in a long time. I only hit snooze once and Boyfriend only had to talk to me once. (Normally waking me is a ridiculous procedure involving flashing the lights in the room, turning up the volume on the radio, telling me to get up 3 or 4 times and suffering through my alarm going off every 9 minutes for 27 minutes. It is a wonder Boyfriend has not just thrown a pot of water over my head like my dad did in 1986.)
But today I got up and got dressed and was even civil. Someone give this girl a gold star! <insert eye roll here> Someday I hope to be able to wake up and get going like a grown up, I tell myself every day that I am not hung over (15 mornings in a row lately!) that it will get a little easier every day and so it shall!
But today I got up and got dressed and was even civil. Someone give this girl a gold star! <insert eye roll here> Someday I hope to be able to wake up and get going like a grown up, I tell myself every day that I am not hung over (15 mornings in a row lately!) that it will get a little easier every day and so it shall!
Day 17
I am truly amazed that I have gotten this far, and this fact has actually begun to hold weight for me with my nightly drink-or-don't internal dialogue. It really does, because every stinking night I have to have this stupid debate with the voices in my head: "Should we just have a couple? We've been so good for like a million days IN A ROW - we totally DESERVE a couple, right?!" And every night I have to ignore their weirdly enticing argument. They don't even whisper at me in the morning, I don't really hear boo from them until between 4 and 5 pm ... and then suddenly they cannot shut-up. But now I can say, "we are past halfway through 30 days, it would be stupid to give up now because if I give in now, we will just have to start all over again in another 6 weeks or a month or whatever." Because I will keep trying. I have to keep trying to quit until it works because I do not want my funeral to be populated by my sad and angry daughter, a couple of friends who did not realize that I was 'that bad' and some drunks telling stellar drinking stories about me. "The bar won't be the same without her." they'll cry, and then in a week I will be forgotten. Because drunks like to drink with other drunks and I cannot drink if I am dead.
So here I am, at the beginning of today's argument between the voices and my desire to be sober. I have to tell you that I am sick of this whole thing, but I also know that if I just say 'f'ck it - I'm drinking!' that I will feel like a piece of poop. I am too far in to give up now and that helps me keep saying no....then....Phew!
And let me also say that the pipe dream of losing weight by not drinking is a total bust. At least it is a bust as of this moment because my sweet tooth is raging now that there is no liquid sugar in the mix. Chocolate? Yes please. Belvita breakfast crackers all day? Yes please. Ice cream? Yes please. It is delightful to be eating like an Oompa-Loompa, just spectacular. <eye roll here>
Speaking of Oompa-Loompas - I have officially removed myself from my beloved country's presidential election until September. All that happens now when I watch the coverage is that I get a huge surge of anxiety and disgust, then I start raging at the media for spotlighting an orange lunatic right into legitimate candidacy. I fell my blood pressure going up as I type for heaven's sake.....so yeah, taking a BS break from the election.
Have a good evening all, I shall see you on Day 18!
So here I am, at the beginning of today's argument between the voices and my desire to be sober. I have to tell you that I am sick of this whole thing, but I also know that if I just say 'f'ck it - I'm drinking!' that I will feel like a piece of poop. I am too far in to give up now and that helps me keep saying no....then....Phew!
And let me also say that the pipe dream of losing weight by not drinking is a total bust. At least it is a bust as of this moment because my sweet tooth is raging now that there is no liquid sugar in the mix. Chocolate? Yes please. Belvita breakfast crackers all day? Yes please. Ice cream? Yes please. It is delightful to be eating like an Oompa-Loompa, just spectacular. <eye roll here>
Speaking of Oompa-Loompas - I have officially removed myself from my beloved country's presidential election until September. All that happens now when I watch the coverage is that I get a huge surge of anxiety and disgust, then I start raging at the media for spotlighting an orange lunatic right into legitimate candidacy. I fell my blood pressure going up as I type for heaven's sake.....so yeah, taking a BS break from the election.
Have a good evening all, I shall see you on Day 18!
Monday, July 11, 2016
Fortnight
Day 14 and there have been some developments. Well no, not developments, more like some lessons learned. And there is a confession. So here it is:
Friday was pretty easy (Day 11) I had planned a really long run for Saturday, and we went to dinner at a restaurant that does not serve alcohol for dinner and I was exhausted so I had dinner, packed my supplies for the long run and went to bed. The cravings were there, but they were quieted by my desire to feel good for the run
Saturday after the run? Well there was the voice, "you DESERVE a reward for running so far and sticking to your plan don't you Alicia?" "You did all of your chores today in addition to running so far - you earned a treat didn't you?" It was ridiculous, and I was all sorts of agreeing with the voice. I had even decided that I really, really wanted a martini with lots of olives in it which was really weird because I have never in my years of drinking even thought about having a martini with lots of olives in it. Never. This seasoned drinker sticks to mimosas, Captain and diets with lemon, Stoli and cranberry no lime and in the winter...white russians. Sweet drinks all the way baby! So what up with the dirty martini craving? Well, my theory is that my alcohol brain is trying to trick me somehow, Perhaps my alcohol brain thinks that I do not know that a martini is a 'drink'. Perhaps alcohol brain thinks if it craves a drink in a smaller glass that I will run right out and get one. Alcohol brain is getting desperate and uncomfortable, that is for sure. But Boyfriend saved the day by suggesting that we go to dinner and a movie and what I did do was have a virgin pina colada, told myself that was a wonderful treat (which it was, the thing was delicious and brutally high in calories even without the rum). We had steak, we watched an adorably funny movie and by the time we got home all I wanted was to go to sleep. And so I did.
But Sunday came, I woke up so happy to feel good, went for a walk with friends, trained my clients and then BOOM - the voice came at me hard. This time I fell down, this time I had a beer at my favorite sit-and-drink-by-the-river outdoor bar. There was a good band and I had run far the day before, I had cleaned the apartment, I had run errands and life seemed to be in control. So of course, why not have a drink, right? I had a Blue Moon with a big ole' orange in it and I did not even feel bad. But then I got the buzz, and this time instead of just kicking back and feeding that buzz I just felt bad. Guilt, remorse, and self-loathing came back at me really hard. It was horrible and it actually stopped me. I switched to diet Pepsi and I watched kids play in the river and then I watched all of the people around me. Older women dancing all sexy, like the real Rascal Flatts was actually right there playing (when really it was a fairly good cover band made up of pudgy middle aged men). Younger women adjusting their bikini tops without noticing they were flashing everyone while they did it. So many people excitedly making plans that they were clearly too drunk to remember with people they clearly only sort of knew. A woman saw another couples' puppy and staggered over to play with it without knowing them, the couple was also tipsy and in 45 seconds they were all hugging each other with the couple promising to provide the breeder's number. I realized that none of these encounters meant anything, none of them will carry over into tomorrow. Then I realized that the kids I had watched playing were now playing with a clam they had found in the river and a beer bottle they found somewhere, and that no one was stopping them. These kids were with someone at this bar, but I had no idea who because in 2 hours, not one soul checked on them. The whole scene bugged me.
I now have a clear view of what I want, I want to be sober.
I want to be sober, I want to be real. I honestly do not know what that means yet but I desperately want to find out. So I am going to accept yesterday's choice to drink a beer and I am going to keep moving forward. I am still calling today Day 14 because after yesterday I want my little car (thanks Belle) to keep rolling down the hill. I messed up, but it was more of a speed bump than a brick wall. Agree with me or don't, but I intend to keep going forward because I woke up today feeling good. No hangover and I will wake up with the same beautiful feeling tomorrow - c'mon Day 15!! :)
Friday was pretty easy (Day 11) I had planned a really long run for Saturday, and we went to dinner at a restaurant that does not serve alcohol for dinner and I was exhausted so I had dinner, packed my supplies for the long run and went to bed. The cravings were there, but they were quieted by my desire to feel good for the run
Saturday after the run? Well there was the voice, "you DESERVE a reward for running so far and sticking to your plan don't you Alicia?" "You did all of your chores today in addition to running so far - you earned a treat didn't you?" It was ridiculous, and I was all sorts of agreeing with the voice. I had even decided that I really, really wanted a martini with lots of olives in it which was really weird because I have never in my years of drinking even thought about having a martini with lots of olives in it. Never. This seasoned drinker sticks to mimosas, Captain and diets with lemon, Stoli and cranberry no lime and in the winter...white russians. Sweet drinks all the way baby! So what up with the dirty martini craving? Well, my theory is that my alcohol brain is trying to trick me somehow, Perhaps my alcohol brain thinks that I do not know that a martini is a 'drink'. Perhaps alcohol brain thinks if it craves a drink in a smaller glass that I will run right out and get one. Alcohol brain is getting desperate and uncomfortable, that is for sure. But Boyfriend saved the day by suggesting that we go to dinner and a movie and what I did do was have a virgin pina colada, told myself that was a wonderful treat (which it was, the thing was delicious and brutally high in calories even without the rum). We had steak, we watched an adorably funny movie and by the time we got home all I wanted was to go to sleep. And so I did.
But Sunday came, I woke up so happy to feel good, went for a walk with friends, trained my clients and then BOOM - the voice came at me hard. This time I fell down, this time I had a beer at my favorite sit-and-drink-by-the-river outdoor bar. There was a good band and I had run far the day before, I had cleaned the apartment, I had run errands and life seemed to be in control. So of course, why not have a drink, right? I had a Blue Moon with a big ole' orange in it and I did not even feel bad. But then I got the buzz, and this time instead of just kicking back and feeding that buzz I just felt bad. Guilt, remorse, and self-loathing came back at me really hard. It was horrible and it actually stopped me. I switched to diet Pepsi and I watched kids play in the river and then I watched all of the people around me. Older women dancing all sexy, like the real Rascal Flatts was actually right there playing (when really it was a fairly good cover band made up of pudgy middle aged men). Younger women adjusting their bikini tops without noticing they were flashing everyone while they did it. So many people excitedly making plans that they were clearly too drunk to remember with people they clearly only sort of knew. A woman saw another couples' puppy and staggered over to play with it without knowing them, the couple was also tipsy and in 45 seconds they were all hugging each other with the couple promising to provide the breeder's number. I realized that none of these encounters meant anything, none of them will carry over into tomorrow. Then I realized that the kids I had watched playing were now playing with a clam they had found in the river and a beer bottle they found somewhere, and that no one was stopping them. These kids were with someone at this bar, but I had no idea who because in 2 hours, not one soul checked on them. The whole scene bugged me.
I now have a clear view of what I want, I want to be sober.
I want to be sober, I want to be real. I honestly do not know what that means yet but I desperately want to find out. So I am going to accept yesterday's choice to drink a beer and I am going to keep moving forward. I am still calling today Day 14 because after yesterday I want my little car (thanks Belle) to keep rolling down the hill. I messed up, but it was more of a speed bump than a brick wall. Agree with me or don't, but I intend to keep going forward because I woke up today feeling good. No hangover and I will wake up with the same beautiful feeling tomorrow - c'mon Day 15!! :)
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